sorry i’m difficult person, hard to handle. damage by heart, wounded by soul. it’s going to be tough to deal with my moods. it’s going to be a long run to break my thick, high wall. whenever we have fights if I said “okay” its simply not okay so leave me alone & let me take my time but please never give up on me. I’m sorry I give up so easily. I’m sorry I notice everything. I notice even the smallest change. I know you’ll get tired to understand me. I know you won’t be crying anymore for my forgiveness. I know time will come you won’t be the same person anymore. I’m sorry I’m too sensitive. Too sensitive cus I’m afraid to fall inlove again, afraid I might end up getting hurt again.
I literally do not care about your gender, sexuality or skin colour.
I literally only care about whether you’re a nice fucking human being or not.
so basically you’re racist, sexist and homophobic
how exactly could you have come remotely close to that conclusion
there is a heavy feeling and silence of loneliness on my chest when the car start moving. I was looking out the window trying to grasp what happened a few minutes ago while my family’s laugh echoed the air. It’s not the same feeling when I reach home, when I enter the hallway, when I open the door & scan our room. the baggage that occupied most of the floor area isn’t there anymore, the pink shirts & toys are no longer scattered on the bed sheets. those milk bottles & toiletries that usually placed on the top of the drawer is missing too.
A week ago I went to the yellow house just to get my towel. I know some stuff had moved out but i’m a bit surprised and felt sad to see the remaining. I close my eyes and tried to picture out in my mind what were on those empty spaces. I went upstairs and lie down on my bed. I listened to ‘waiting room’ and cried a little. I think of the days I lived here, there’s so much memories can mold. this home that I ruled, I organized. this home I learned how to handle a family, those bills & due dates, those groceries & what to eat next week, to raise a child, to be a mom, to be a dad, to be a teacher, a nanny & all I can think of.
I think of the ways I managed my everyday life. On saturday morning I will clean up the entire house and on my free time I will lie on the sofa surfing the internet or watching TLC. On sundays, I will go to market. I will bring uyel to puregold and buy for our week grocery. She would rode on the cart & grab yakults & moo’s. I would buy her basic needs such as milk, vitamins & toiletries. At 7 pm we would go to the church and after we would eat to mcdo. When we reach home we would do her homeworks, clean her up & put her to bed. During weekdays, I’m home by 8 or so. Uyel usually watching tv or eating dinner. We would go upstairs at 9, I would clean the room first & read her a book, tap her to sleep.
I remember every single thing about yellow house. Every receipts & placements. Every details. everything. I will miss this home. I will miss to sleep & hug my uyel at night.
I watched you pass through the window, I act like I didn’t see you. I wrote down on my journal the day & nights we shared. I miss those times where you’re a total stranger to me, those times I spend my usual sunday afternoon in this yellow tiny house, listening to itunes & how I watch you pass every afternoon without any feelings or care for you. Everything just happened so fast. I never thought we would come to this point. Now I can’t go back. I’m just stuck up wanting to be in your daily life. We can’t end a day without seeing each other. Its like minutes apart feels like months.I don’t know what normal sleep is for haha.